I’m not going to let you take me down, AGAIN!

The gloomy days are here. Darkness falls upon us earlier, the sun shines less, it’s cold, it’s rainy and dreary. It’s depressing! For someone like me who has suffered with depression/anxiety, this time of year has ALWAYS been hard for me. I used to joke and say to family members, “see you in April “. Debilitating anxiety and depression are vicious. You feel like the world is against you, you feel worthless, useless, helpless and like NO ONE is on your side. You feel ALONE. If you let it, it can bring you to a dark place for days, months or years. For years I let it. I spent more years than I’d like to admit, letting it take me down. It was something I got use to feeling and thought I had to feel this way, this was just how it had to be. WRONG. No one must live feeling like they’re useless, worthless, ashamed, in fear, never going to amount to anything, stupid, unloved, the list goes on. YOU are in control of your own happiness. It took me quite some time to realize this, but I did. I can sit here and beat myself up all day long about all those years I let it take me down. Nope, not today or any day. I can celebrate in the fact that I am now a fighter! I will not let my depression/anxiety take control of me anymore. I will gather more of the tools I need to arm me for when I feel it creeping back up. The last few weeks haven’t been great for me. I started to sink as usual this time of year and then this past weekend, it happened, I sank LOW. I started to react and behave all the ways I use to when my depression/anxiety controlled me. I started reacting to loved ones in irrational ways, even my children. I made myself believe I was worthless, no one appreciates or loves me, I can’t do anything right and add no value to anyone. Sounds crazy right? It is?!! All of it! Crazy! None of it true! Anxiety and depression tell you lies! Lies about you and about your friends and family, all lies! Not everyone will understand this. If you’ve never gone through the trenches of suffering with anxiety and/or depression, this will not make sense. Those of you who have, GET IT. It’s an experience unexplainable unless you’ve lived it or gone through it with a loved one. So today, I grabbed some tools from my “toolbox” and I have dug myself out of where I was headed, to a very dark and scary place. I will fill my toolbox up with even more resources so that I have everything I need if I start to sink again. Which is likely, because life happens, hormones happen and chemical imbalances happen. We all go through ups and downs, it’s how we survive the downs is what’s important!

From my heart to yours,

-Kris